After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
