That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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