It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
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He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
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That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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