The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
