This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
