BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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