Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
