just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
