look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
