y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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