forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
