brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
