I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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