I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
