i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
