Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.