I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
3 2 1 whiskey
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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