He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
