I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
