my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
