Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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