I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
