I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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