this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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