I don't usually arrange sex via text message
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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