i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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