I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
