these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
