the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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