matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
All the doctor said was why
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
