I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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