I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
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I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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