a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
