Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
