Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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