she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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