so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
