Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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