Non-Jews are for practice
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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