I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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