When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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