I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
