I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
