Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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