I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
