a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
