Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.