Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
