theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
