hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
