he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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