you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
