hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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