So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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