Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
