I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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