I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
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it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
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You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?