goodnight i made you a song goodbye
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed