then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
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I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
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Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.