I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
